Generous Is Not The Same As Free
Why “How Much Do You Charge?” Is Harder to Answer Than It Sounds
For over 35 years, I have rarely had to answer one particular question.
“How much do you charge?”
Sounds odd, does it not?
I know what I charge for workshops, consulting and university teaching.
But recently, a different kind of opportunity has started coming my way.
- “Would you join me on a podcast?”
- “Would you moderate this panel discussion?”
- “Could you host a conversation for us?”
- “Can we just pick your brain for an hour?”
And that is when I realised something uncomfortable.
I was not struggling to find a price. I was struggling to find myself.
The hesitation surprised me.
After all, I had spent decades advising organisations on strategy and decision-making.
Yet here I was, struggling to make one of my own.
The Two Conversations
Recently, I had two completely different conversations.
One person reached out after seeing my work and suggested we meet for a conversation.
There was no agenda, no deliverable and no expectation beyond two curious people exchanging ideas. I would happily do that.
Around the same time, I was approached about hosting a recurring podcast for an organisation.
At first glance, it sounded similar. A conversation. A microphone. An audience.
But the more we discussed it, the more I realised this was not simply about having a chat. The role could involve deciding the format, shaping the structure, preparing questions, keeping the discussion engaging and ultimately helping make the series worth listening to.
That is a very different role.
One was about participating. The other was about creating value.
Yet, when the question of commercials eventually came up, I hesitated.
Not because I believed there should be no fee.
Because I had no idea what the answer should be.
The Trap I Had Built for Myself
I have come to notice something about how many experienced professionals, myself included, handle situations like this. It is rarely a straightforward commercial decision.
Sometimes, we are protecting an identity.
Behavioural scientists often talk about identity-based decisions.
We do not always choose the option with the highest payoff; we choose the one that feels most consistent with who we believe we are.
Looking back, I realised I was not protecting my wallet. I was protecting my self-image as “the helpful one”.
The person who says yes. The one people call for advice. The one who is generous with time. The one who will “just have a quick look”.
And that identity gets reinforced for years.
People thank us. They appreciate us. They recommend us. Eventually, being helpful becomes part of who we believe we are.
So when someone asks, “How much do you charge?”, it feels strangely uncomfortable.
Not because we do not know the number.
Because charging can feel inconsistent with the identity we have carefully built.
My Realisation
As I reflected on this, I realised I had been treating two completely different ideas as though they meant the same thing.
Being generous. Being free.
They are not remotely the same.
Generosity is a value. Free is a pricing decision.
One reflects character. The other reflects commercial terms.
Somewhere along the way, I had unconsciously merged the two.
If I charged, was I becoming less generous?
If I did not charge, was I simply being generous?
Not necessarily.
A Better Question
I realised I had been asking myself the wrong question.
Instead of asking, “Should I charge?”, I now ask, “What role am I being invited to play?”
- Am I simply sharing ideas?
- Am I speaking?
- Am I moderating?
- Am I hosting?
- Am I designing the conversation?
- Am I providing strategic advice?
Those are completely different engagements, even if they all involve a microphone.
And once I identify the role, the commercial conversation becomes much easier.
Notice I said easier, not easy.
Three Questions I Now Ask Myself
This is the part I find useful enough to write down. So here it is, exactly as it sits on my desk.
Question 1: Would I happily do this for free?
If yes, do it. No guilt. No resentment.
Question 2: If I do it for free, will I still feel happy about that decision six months from now?
If not, do not do it for free, however good it feels in the moment.
Question 3: If someone else were doing exactly this for me, would I expect to pay them?
This one may be the most useful. You stop thinking as yourself and start thinking as the client.
It is remarkable how quickly the answer becomes clearer once you flip the seat you are sitting in.
And when the fee conversation comes up, I have stopped trying to answer it on the spot. I now say something like:
“That depends a little on the role you see me playing. Before I quote, could I understand a bit more about what you are trying to achieve, and what you would like me to do?”
It buys me time. It moves the conversation from a number to a role.
Most importantly, it means I am no longer answering out of discomfort.
Exposure Is Wonderful. But…
Many of us have heard some version of these lines.
- “This will give you great exposure.”
- “We are not making money either.”
- “It is for the community.”
- “We are just starting out.”
To be fair, these are NOT unreasonable statements.
I have done plenty of work for Rotary, educational institutions and causes I deeply care about. I would do many of them again.
The difference is that today, I want those to be conscious choices, not automatic responses.
There is something oddly liberating about saying, “I am happy to do this pro bono.”
Because that is very different from feeling unable to ask whether there should be a fee in the first place.
One is generosity. The other is hesitation.
The Biggest Shift
The biggest shift was not commercial. It was psychological.
For years, I unconsciously believed my value came from being immediately useful.
Today, I am beginning to realise that much of my value lies in how I think: how I frame a problem, structure a conversation and help someone see it differently.
Helpful people solve today’s problem. Thought partners help people see tomorrow differently.
And perhaps that is what people are increasingly asking me to do.
Not simply speak. Not merely appear. But help shape the quality of a conversation.
That is a responsibility. It is also value.
Where I Have Landed, For Now
Here is the honest bit.
I have not fully resolved this.
I still catch myself hesitating when the fee question comes up.
I still occasionally say yes when I should have asked a question first.
I wrote the three questions above because I need them, not because I have mastered them.
I am sure I will underquote some assignments and overthink others. But I have arrived at one principle that now sits on a sticky note next to my desk.
Be generous with your ideas. Be intentional with your time.
I want people to remember me as generous.
I do not want them to assume I am available for free.
Well, hopefully soon, I will know it too!
(Have you ever caught yourself confusing being generous with being available for free? Do the three questions above land for you, or would you ask yourself something different? I would genuinely love to hear where you draw that line. Share your story in the comments.)
