Why we do what we do (and how to change it) – A cautionary tale involving an air fryer, popcorn, and my disappearing discipline!
Yes, you’re in a loop! The question is: which one?
Over the last few years, I’ve lost 12 kilograms. And recently found 9 of them again. It went like this: 81 kgs → 69 kgs → 78 kgs.
If weight loss were a stock, I’d be the worst investor you’ve ever met. Buy high, sell low, panic in the middle.
And here’s the kicker: I know what I should do. I know the science. Hey, I teach this stuff. I’ve read James Clear. I understand neuroplasticity. I can explain cognitive behavioural therapy at dinner parties (though no one asks me to).
Yet recently, exhausted after a long day, I found myself with a bowl of microwaved popcorn, scrolling through my phone, fully aware this wasn’t the choice “healthy Sandeep” would make.
So what happened? Where did “healthy Sandeep” go?
Here’s the thing: he didn’t disappear.
He’s just stuck in the wrong loop.
The Framework: Your Life Is a System
Human behaviour isn’t random. It follows patterns: predictable, repeating cycles that either keep us stuck or propel us forwards.
Think of it as a feedback loop with eleven interconnected elements:
Identity → Values → Beliefs → Thoughts → Emotions → Decisions → Actions → Consequences → Experiences → Habits → Behaviour → back to Identity
I’ve always struggled if these elements are inter-connected, inter-changeable and if yes, in what way. So, you may find this a bit heavy but stay with me as I break this down in a manner that makes it (hopefully!) simpler for you.
Each element influences the next:
- Identity shapes what you value.
- Values drive what you believe.
- Beliefs create thoughts.
- Thoughts trigger emotions.
- Emotions influence decisions.
- Decisions lead to actions.
- Actions create consequences.
- Consequences shape experiences.
- Experiences reinforce or challenge beliefs.
- Repeated actions become habits.
- Habits define behaviour.
- And behaviour, over time, rewrites your identity.
It’s not a straight line. It’s a loop. A self-reinforcing system. See the diagram.
And here’s the liberating (or terrifying) truth: the loop never stops running. You can’t opt out. You’re always in a loop: either one that keeps you stuck or one that moves you forwards.
The only question is: which loop are you in right now?
Let me show you both loops (the stuck loop and the breakthrough forward loop) with what better example than using myself as… Exhibit A: The Man Who Bought an Air Fryer and Still Eats Popcorn.
Example 1: The Stuck Loop (Or: How I Mastered the Art of Food Delivery)
My Identity: “I can’t cook. The cooker is my worst enemy. I can barely manage a shallow pan sauté.”
My Values: Health matters (in theory). But so does convenience. And not burning down the house.
My Beliefs: “Cooking is hard.” “It takes too long.” “I’ll mess it up.” “My wife is the cook, not me.”
My Thoughts: “I should make something healthy… but I’m tired. Maybe just order something?”
My Emotions: Fatigue. Mild guilt. A background hum of “I’m letting myself down again.”
My Decisions: Open the food delivery app. Or microwave some popcorn. Or grab a bowl of curd with boondi (which, to be fair, takes exactly 5 minutes and is my culinary masterpiece).
My Actions: Eat convenient, often unhealthy food. Repeat daily.
The Consequences: Weight creeps up. 69 kgs becomes 72 kgs. Then 75 kgs. Then 78 kgs. Energy drops. Clothes feel tighter. There goes the wardrobe (again!)
My Experiences: Looking at the weighing scale and thinking uncharitable thoughts about its accuracy. Seeing old photos when I was 69 kgs and wondering where that person went.
The Feedback: These experiences reinforce my original belief: “See? I’m just not a cooking person. I’m destined to be the guy who orders food.”
And the loop tightens. My identity is confirmed. My beliefs are validated. My actions perpetuate the very thing I want to escape.
This isn’t laziness. This is a perfectly functioning system… it’s just functioning in the WRONG direction.
Example 2: The Breakthrough (Or: That Time I Became an Air Fryer Evangelist… for Three Weeks)
Enter: the Air Fryer purchase decision, earlier this year.
My wife travels a lot. We don’t have a cook. That leaves… me. And a cooker, which I regard with suspicion, mild fear and terrible dread!
But we also don’t want deep-fried food. And ordering in every night isn’t sustainable (financially, health-wise, or dignity-wise).
So we decided: air fryer.
Identity (Shifting): “Maybe I’m not a ‘cooking person,’ but I could be someone who uses kitchen gadgets. Hey, I used to run a tech company, I’m tech savvy!”
Values: Health and self-sufficiency move from background noise to foreground priority.
New Beliefs: “An air fryer is easy.” “ChatGPT can teach me recipes.” “I can do this.”
New Thoughts: “I’ll try paneer kebabs. How hard can it be?”
New Emotions: Curiosity. A flicker of excitement. Slight nervousness (would I break the air fryer?).
New Decisions: I asked ChatGPT for simple air fryer recipes. I bought ingredients. I prepped.
New Actions: I made paneer kebabs. Then chicken kebabs. I even attempted zucchini with breadcrumbs (err… okay, let’s NOT talk about that one!).
New Consequences: They were… good. Not Michelin-star good, but edible. Satisfying. I felt accomplished.
New Experiences: “I cooked something. I actually cooked something that wasn’t embarrassing.”
Around the same time, I started making smoothies too! Every few days, I’d prep: cut a medium watermelon, 2 apples, 2 beetroots, 2 carrots. Store them in the fridge. Blend them twice a day with walnuts and a dash of pepper.
I did this for three weeks straight.
My weight started dropping, again! A glimmer of hope – of reaching 69 kgs, again!
I felt lighter. Energised. Proud. Yesss!
My behaviour changed. I was the guy who meal-prepped. Who made smoothies. Who used an air fryer.
And slowly, my identity transformed: “I’m someone who takes care of his health.” “I’m someone who cooks (sort of).”
Plot Twist: The Loop Can Reverse
But then… the prep got annoying.
Cutting watermelons. Peeling beetroots. Cleaning the blender twice a day. Marinating paneer. Waiting for the air fryer to preheat.
It was 15-20 minutes of work before I could eat.
Meanwhile, curd with boondi? 5 minutes. Max.
Microwaved popcorn? 3 minutes.
Food delivery? One tap.
And I was tired. Work was busy. My wife was travelling. Decision fatigue kicked in.
So I stopped prepping. Then I stopped air frying. Then I stopped making smoothies.
And the weight crept back. 72 kgs → 75 kgs → 78 kgs.
Then, one day, the weight shot up to 80 kgs – and I nearly threw the scale out the window!
And my air fryer was lying there, like a gym membership I’m not using!
The Brutal Truth: Friction Kills Habits
Here’s what I learned (the hard way):
Motivation gets you started. Friction determines if you continue.
I had motivation. I had the knowledge. I had the tools. I even had early wins.
But I didn’t design for sustainability. I didn’t account for friction.
And friction always wins.
Every time I wanted a smoothie, I faced:
- 10 minutes of prep
- A sink full of dishes
- A decision: “Is this worth it right now?”
Every time I wanted to air-fry something, I faced:
- Ingredient shopping
- Marinating
- Preheating
- Cleaning
Every time I was tired, the 5-minute curd option whispered: “I’m right here. No effort required.”
Guess which won? The system with the least friction.
The Science Bit
This isn’t just my personal failure (though it IS absolutely that). It’s backed by decades of research.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) shows that thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are interconnected. Change one, and you influence the others. But here’s the bit they don’t emphasise enough: environment design matters more than willpower.
- James Clear’s Atomic Habits popularised the concept of making good habits easy and bad habits hard. His Two-Minute Rule: scale down habits until they take less than two minutes to start. Why? Because starting is the hard part. And friction stops you from starting.
- BJ Fogg’s Behavior Model states: Behavior = Motivation × Ability × Prompt. When ability is low (high friction), even high motivation won’t save you. You need to make the behaviour easier.
- Neuroplasticity research shows our brains physically rewire based on repeated actions. But repetition requires low friction. If an action is hard to repeat, the neural pathway never strengthens.
My smoothie habit died because it required too much ability (effort). My curd habit thrived because it required almost none.
The lesson: Design for the laziest, most tired version of yourself. Because that’s who’s making decisions at 9pm on a Wednesday.
Practical Application: How to Actually Change the Loop
So what do I do now? What do you do if you’re stuck in a similar loop?
Step 1: Spot which loop you’re in
Take any area where you feel stuck. Map it out:
- What do you believe about yourself in this area?
- What actions do you repeatedly take (or avoid)?
- What consequences do those actions create?
- How do those consequences reinforce your beliefs?
If the loop is self-reinforcing in a negative direction, you’ve found your stuck loop.
For me: “I can’t cook” → order food → gain weight → “See, I’m just not a healthy eater.”
Step 2: Find the intervention point
You don’t need to change everything. You need to intervene at one point in the loop. The most powerful intervention points are:
- Beliefs: Challenge one limiting belief. (“Cooking is hard” → “Using an air fryer is easy.”)
- Decisions: Make one tiny decision differently.
- Actions: Take one small action with minimal friction.
- Environment: Remove friction from good behaviors. Add friction to bad ones.
Step 3: Design for your laziest self
Here’s what I should have done (and what I’m trying now):
For smoothies:
- Buy pre-cut frozen fruit (yes, it’s more expensive, but it’s zero prep)
- Use a single-serve blender (less cleaning)
- Keep it on the counter, not in a cupboard (remove friction)
For the air fryer:
- Keep pre-marinated paneer in the fridge (or buy it pre-marinated)
- Accept “good enough” meals, not Instagram-worthy ones
- Batch cook on weekends when I have energy
For avoiding popcorn:
- Don’t buy it (add friction to the bad habit)
- Keep healthier snacks visible and easy (remove friction from good habits)
Step 4: Stack micro-wins, not transformations
I tried to overhaul my entire eating system at once. Smoothies! Air fryer! Meal prep! No wonder I burnt out.
Better approach: Pick ONE tiny win. Make a smoothie once this week. Air fry something once. That’s it.
Build slowly. Let the loop reinforce itself gradually.
The Bottom Line
You’re already in a loop. I’m in a loop. We’re all in loops. That’s how this system works!
The question isn’t WHETHER you’re in a system. The question is: is your system working FOR you or AGAINST you?
Here’s the liberating (and humbling) truth: even when you understand the system, you can still get stuck. Even when you’ve had breakthroughs, you can slide back. Even when you know better, you can still find yourself with a bowl of popcorn at 10 pm wondering what happened.
But here’s the other truth: loops can shift. They shifted once (81 kgs → 69 kgs). They can shift again.
- I don’t need perfection. I just need to reduce friction.
- I don’t need transformation. I just need one small intervention.
- I don’t need to become a chef. I just need to make the air fryer easier to use than the food delivery app.
Because loops are powerful. And once you TIP a loop in the right direction, and DESIGN it to STAY tipped, it starts to REINFORCE itself.
- Small wins create new experiences.
- New experiences challenge old beliefs.
- New beliefs reshape your identity.
And before you know it, you’re not the person trying to change anymore.
You’re the person who already has.
(Or at least, that’s what I’m telling myself… as I stare at my air fryer!!)
Well, now you know it too!
At the time of going to press, I’m still 78 kgs. The air fryer is on the counter, judging me. And the loop is still running…
BTW, what loop are you in right now? And what’s the one piece of friction you could remove today to tip it in a different direction?
Selected References:
- James Clear – Atomic Habits (Two-Minute Rule)
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Penguin Random House.
Link: https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits
Specific concept: Two-Minute Rule and making habits easy
- BJ Fogg – Behavior Model
Fogg, B.J. (2020). Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Link: https://www.behaviormodel.org/
Specific concept: B = MAP (Behavior = Motivation × Ability × Prompt)
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Foundation
Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. “What is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)?”
Link: https://beckinstitute.org/about/what-is-cognitive-therapy/
Specific concept: Thoughts-feelings-behaviors triangle
- Neuroplasticity and Habit Formation
Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). “How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world.” European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009.
Link: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.674
Specific concept: It takes an average of 66 days to form a habit (not 21!)
- Stanford Behavior Design Lab – Friction and Behavior Change
Fogg, B.J. (2019). “Fogg Behavior Model.” Stanford Behavior Design Lab.
Link: https://behaviormodel.org/
Specific concept: Reducing friction is more effective than increasing motivation
