The FOUR of us!

The FOUR of Us!

How we struggle to reconcile the four versions of ourselves

David Ogilvy, the father of modern advertising, famously said, “Consumers don’t think how they feel. They don’t say what they think, and they don’t do what they say.”

Whilst he might’ve been talking about consumer behaviour, Ogilvy’s observation applies to us all—every day and in every way!

The Fantastic Four Within

Did you know that every human carries their own Fantastic Four within them? No, NOT the ones with stretchy limbs or fiery fingers! These four are subtler, almost invisible to our conscious mind.

Let’s meet them:

1. The Thinker – Your internal thoughts and beliefs
2. The Communicator – What you actually say to others
3. The Performer – How you actually behave and act
4. The Real You – Your authentic self beneath it all

Just like their movie counterparts, these four are rarely in sync.

And trying to align them? Well, it’s like coordinating a family group photo: someone’s always out of frame or looking the wrong way!

Take a simple example: You think you’re decisive, say you’ll wake up at 5 a.m., but snooze the alarm twice—and then wonder if you’re just not as disciplined as you hoped.

This isn’t just a quirky personality trait; it’s at the core of many personal and professional struggles. The tension between these four selves often leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, and—let’s face it—a fair bit of existential angst.

From a Personal Perspective

Think of a time you committed to something but didn’t follow through. Maybe you promised a friend you’d join them at the gym but bailed at the last minute.

On the surface, the excuse seems simple: you were tired. But beneath it lies dissonance between your intentions, words, and actions.

Here’s how it plays out:

• The Thinker: “I need to get fit.”
• The Communicator: “I’ll meet you at the gym tomorrow!”
• The Performer: Skips the workout and binges Netflix.
• The Real You: Someone juggling aspirations and inertia.

The result? Guilt, frustration, and maybe an awkward apology text.

From a Business Perspective

Now imagine you’re a manager promising a culture of openness. You say you value feedback and think of yourself as an empathetic leader. But when someone points out a flaw in your process, you get defensive.

Your actions contradict your words, and your team begins to question who you really are as a leader.

This misalignment damages trust. Employees may feel unheard, disengaged, or even leave—escalating into bigger organisational challenges.

Why Are We Like This?

This internal conflict has roots in behavioural science. Cognitive dissonance—first studied by Leon Festinger in the late 1950s—is the mental discomfort experienced when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or when their actions don’t align with their beliefs. When our actions (or inactions) don’t match our values, we feel stressed.

It’s like wearing mismatched socks—uncomfortable, obvious, and impossible to ignore once you notice.

Additionally, self-perception theory, developed by psychologist Daryl Bem, suggests we infer “who we are” by observing our own actions. When these actions don’t align with our values, it’s no wonder we feel unsettled.

What complicates matters further? Everyone else is juggling their own four versions too, leading to misinterpretations.

For instance, your boss might believe they’re being supportive, but you perceive their micromanagement as distrust. Multiply this disconnect across billions of people, and you get everything from petty squabbles to global conflicts.

So, What Can We Do?

Here are three practical strategies to reconcile your four selves—and bridge the gap between who you are and who you want to be:

1. Practice Self-Awareness

• Pause and ask yourself: Why am I thinking, saying, or doing this?
• Tools like journalling and mindfulness can help uncover internal contradictions.

Research-backed tip: Studies show that whilst mindfulness may not directly reduce cognitive dissonance, the mindfulness skill of “accepting without judgement” can help you cope better with dissonant attitudes, helping you stay present and make conscious decisions.

For instance, if you commit to a healthier lifestyle, reflect on whether skipping that workout aligns with your true goals.

2. Align Words with Actions

Follow the golden rule: Say only what you mean, and mean only what you say. (But when choosing between being kind or being right, always choose kindness!)

Before making promises, big or small, pause to reflect. Can you realistically follow through?

In business, this could mean under-promising and over-delivering. Instead of saying, “We’ll implement this change by next month,” be honest about constraints and offer a realistic timeline.

Sure, it may go against the popular theory that “If you say it, you’ll do it,” but realism builds trust!

3. Seek Feedback and Adjust

Ask others how they perceive your words and actions. You might be surprised by the disconnect.

Use constructive feedback to close those gaps.

Research shows that employees’ perception of authentic leadership serves as the strongest predictor of job satisfaction and positively impacts work-related attitudes and happiness. Leaders who regularly seek feedback and maintain transparency are seen as more authentic and effective—even when initial perceptions were negative.

Implementing These Strategies

Let’s apply these strategies to our earlier examples:

The Gym Scenario:

• Self-awareness: Reflect on why you’re skipping workouts—are you genuinely tired or avoiding discomfort?
• Align words with actions: If you can’t commit, don’t promise. Instead, say, “Let me check my schedule.”
• Seek feedback: Ask your gym buddy for tips on staying consistent.

The Business Scenario:

• Self-awareness: Recognise your defensiveness and explore why criticism feels threatening.
• Align words with actions: Create an anonymous feedback system to encourage openness.
• Seek feedback: Act on suggestions visibly, so your team knows their voices matter.

A Science-Backed Perspective

Research consistently shows that aligning thoughts, words, and actions promotes well-being. Studies from the University of California found that positive emotions and resilience—both outcomes of living authentically—predicted increases in life satisfaction.

Conversely, misalignment leads to burnout, relationship breakdowns, and even health issues. It’s like driving a car with misaligned wheels—exhausting and unsustainable.

The Melting Pot

Reconciling your four selves isn’t about perfection or compromise—it’s about harmony.

When your thoughts, words, actions, and essence align, you operate authentically and with purpose. And remember, everyone else is navigating their own misalignments too.

A little empathy can go a long way, whether it’s resolving a workplace conflict or avoiding an argument over the dishes.

So, the next time you feel out of sync, pause. Reflect, recalibrate, and remind yourself: progress is better than perfection.

After all, we’re all just trying to make sense of our own human contradictions.

Well, now you know it too!

Your Turn

Do you find yourself struggling to manage these four? How have you dealt with it?

About the Author: Sandeep Ohri is a Behavioural Strategy Consultant, USIIC Chapter President Bengaluru, visiting faculty at universities, and host of the Mindset Makeover Podcast. He’s certified by Ogilvy Consulting UK & Irrational Labs USA and helps organisations make better decisions through behavioural science.

Reference Links:

• Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance – Stanford University Press
• Bem, D. J. (1972). Self-Perception Theory – Advances in Experimental Social Psychology
• Mindfulness and Cognitive Dissonance Research – BMC Psychology
• Authentic Leadership Research – Harvard Business School Online
• Trust and Leadership Research – Harvard Business Review
• Well-being and Resilience Study – University of California San Francisco

 

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