Grades or Growth?

Grades or Growth?

The Hidden Cost of Parental Pressure

I’ll start with a familiar scene.

A bright young student walks into class, eyes downcast, voice barely audible. She scored 75 out of 100 on a tough economics test. A decent score by most standards. But she’s already received “the look” from her parents.

You know the one. That mix of disappointment, guilt-tripping, and, strangely, even personal injury… as though they’d taken the test!

“What happened to the other 25 marks?”

Ouch!

And just like that, we turn a learning opportunity into a shame spiral.

The Pressure Cooker We Call Parenting

Over the past few years, I’ve seen countless students buckle under the weight of a pressure that isn’t of their own making.

• It’s not the curriculum.
• It’s not even competition.
• It’s their parents!

Now, before this turns into a parent-bashing piece, let’s clarify… parents don’t wake up planning to ruin their child’s mental health.

They want what’s best for their kids.

But, as we know, intention doesn’t always translate to impact, or even action!

Especially when intention is clouded by societal expectations, unhealed baggage, and behavioural biases.

1. The ‘Marks = Success’ Mistake

Somewhere along the way, we started believing that marks and grades were the ultimate report. Not curiosity. Not skills. Not application. Just numbers.

So, we pushed our kids hard.

Parents begin dictating:

• What courses to pursue.
• Which colleges are “worthy.”
• What “good performance” looks like.

What’s conveniently forgotten is that high grades are a narrow measure of intelligence — and often, a poor predictor of long-term success.

Acing an exam might prove a student’s memory. But does it reflect their creativity, collaboration, or critical thinking?

Nope.

The Research Reality Check

Here’s what decades of research actually tell us about academic success and life outcomes:

• Grades are poor predictors of long-term success: Studies consistently show that academic marks correlate weakly with career achievement, life satisfaction, and innovative thinking.
• Overemphasis on performance creates anxiety: Research demonstrates that excessive focus on academic outcomes increases rates of anxiety and depression among students.
• Intrinsic motivation matters more: Students who develop genuine curiosity and love for learning outperform those driven solely by external rewards in the long term.

The evidence is clear: when we prioritise marks over mindset, we often undermine the very success we’re trying to create.

Behavioural Insight: Outcome Bias

We tend to judge the quality of a decision based on its outcome rather than the process that led to it. This cognitive bias, extensively studied in behavioural economics, means we retrospectively evaluate decisions as “good” or “bad” based purely on results, ignoring whether the decision-making process was sound.

So, if a child achieves 95%, the decision to enrol them in extra classes, strip them of weekends, and maintain relentless pressure seems justified in hindsight. But what if they achieved 67% despite studying sincerely and using effective strategies? That nuance is lost when we focus solely on outcomes.

The system doesn’t reward effort or process quality—and sadly, neither do many parents caught in this bias.

2. Praise the Effort, Not Just the Outcome

Consider this common parenting script:

• “Wow, you came first again, so proud of you!”
• “That was an average score. You need to try harder next time.”

Notice the pattern?

We praise results.

Not strategy. Not perseverance.

Just the result.

Enter Fixed vs. Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck’s extensive research shows that students who believe their intelligence can be developed (a growth mindset) consistently outperform those who believe their intelligence is fixed. When students learned through a structured programme that they could “grow their brains” and increase their intellectual abilities, they performed better academically and showed greater resilience.

More specifically, children praised for intelligence (“You’re so smart!”) become more risk-averse and less likely to take on challenging tasks. But those praised for effort and strategy (“You worked really hard on that problem!”) embrace challenges more willingly and persist longer when facing difficulties.

However, Dweck herself has cautioned against oversimplification, noting that “a growth mindset isn’t just about effort.” Students need new strategies, input from others when they’re stuck, and a genuine focus on learning rather than just trying hard.

The message matters.

This subtle change shifts the focus from being perfect to being persistent.

Outcome-based praise traps kids into performance anxiety.

Effort-based praise nurtures resilience.

3. Living Through Their Children

Let’s be honest. Many parents are trying to “fix” their past through their children.

They’ll say things like:

• “You have no idea how lucky you are. We had none of this growing up.”
• “You’re wasting the opportunities we never had.”
• “We’ve sacrificed so much to get you this!”

Behavioural Insight: Scarcity Mindset

Many parents operate from a subconscious scarcity mindset—the belief that opportunities are rare and must not be “wasted.”

This mindset stems from their own lived experience, where options were limited, resources were scarce, and every opportunity felt like a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Behavioural economists Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir demonstrate in their groundbreaking research that scarcity creates a distinct psychology for everyone struggling to manage with less than they need.

Crucially, this scarcity mindset isn’t a character flaw—it’s a contextual response to environmental conditions that can be understood and managed.

When parents operate from this mindset, they often make decisions based on fear of “wasting” opportunities rather than what’s actually best for their child’s development and wellbeing.

The result? Parents overvalue the things they didn’t have and push their children to make full use of them—even if it doesn’t align with the child’s interests or strengths.

Behind the Scenes

Behind this sentiment lies what psychologists call emotional transference—the process by which unresolved emotions, aspirations, or regrets from one person’s past get unconsciously projected onto another person, typically their children.

Research shows this is a measurable phenomenon where parental emotional states directly influence children’s emotional formation through expressions, tone, and behaviour.

But children aren’t second chances or redemption arcs. They’re individuals with their own paths to forge.

Kids aren’t here to complete our unfinished dreams. They have their own.

When we unconsciously transfer our unmet ambitions onto them—wrapped in the language of “love” and “guidance”—we risk creating emotional burdens that can impact their development and self-concept.

It’s well-intentioned. But it can be heavy to carry.

4. Social Proof Parenting: Keeping Up With the Joneses (or Joshis!)

Let’s get real: a lot of parenting decisions aren’t about the child at all. They’re about other parents.

If Joshi’s son is doing Computer Science at IIT, then your daughter doing Commerce at a local college feels like a personal failure. Why?

Because comparison is the thief of joy—and a potent driver of poor decision-making.

In fact, today, the pressure is fancier—with Instagram updates and topper lists on WhatsApp groups.

Behavioural Insight: Social Proof Bias

Research by psychologist Robert Cialdini shows that approximately 75% of people admit that social proof affects their decision-making process.

We look to others when we’re uncertain—especially in ambiguous situations like parenting. But instead of following evidence-based best practices, we often follow the most visible practices from our social circle.

The sad truth?

Half the people you’re trying to impress are just as clueless—they’re just better at pretending!

5. The Parent-Teacher Paradox

Here’s the final Brick in the Wall! Pink Floyd almost got it right, but I’d paraphrase them to say, “Parents, leave them kids alone!”

Teachers, at least in theory, receive formal training on pedagogy, student psychology, and developmental milestones… while parents get none!

You bring a whole new human into the world—and are expected to just… figure it out!

You have a baby, and suddenly—you’re expected to be wise, patient, emotionally intelligent, and strategic. No manual. No training. Just vibes.

And so, what do most parents do?

They copy what their own parents did.

Or go to the opposite extreme.

So, What Can We Do Instead?

Let’s not stop at diagnosis—let’s explore the antidote.

1. Redefine Success

Celebrate curiosity.

Ask your kids what they LEARNED. Not just what they SCORED.

Find joy in the process—not just the certificate.

Focus on questions like: “What was the most interesting thing you discovered today?” or “What challenged you the most, and how did you tackle it?”

2. Praise Effort and Strategy

Replace “You’re brilliant” with “You worked really hard on this” or “I noticed you tried a different approach when the first one didn’t work.”

Praise strategy. Encourage attempts. Reframe mistakes as growth points.

But remember—effort without learning isn’t enough. Help them develop new strategies and seek input when stuck. Let them know that trying intelligently is already winning.

3. Stay Curious, Not Controlling

Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What did you enjoy about that project?”
• “Is there something you’d like to explore deeper?”
• “What would you do differently next time?”

You’ll be surprised at what emerges when children are invited to reflect rather than instructed to obey.

4. Train Yourself

Let’s admit: parenting is a skill.

And like any skill, it can be learned.

Read evidence-based books. Attend workshops. Speak to counsellors.

Learn about adolescent psychology, cognitive development, and effective communication.

If teachers need training to guide 30 students, surely parents could use some support for their own 1 or 2!

5. Leave Your Ego Outside

Your child is not your business card.

Their success is NOT your status symbol.

Their wins and losses are theirs—not reflections of your worth.

Your love is not performance-linked.

When you catch yourself comparing your child to others, pause and ask: “Is this about what’s best for my child, or what makes me look good as a parent?”

6. Create Psychological Safety

Build an environment where your child feels safe to share struggles, failures, and concerns without fear of disappointment or lectures.

This means responding to poor grades with curiosity (“What was challenging about this?”) rather than criticism (“You didn’t try hard enough”).

When children feel psychologically safe, they’re more likely to take appropriate risks, learn from mistakes, and develop genuine confidence.

Final Thoughts

If you’re a parent reading this and feel a twinge of discomfort… good! That’s not guilt—that’s growth, knocking!

Let it in.

Let’s shift from managing marks to mentoring minds.

Let’s stop asking, “What will people say?” and start asking, “What does my child need?”

The research is clear: children who develop intrinsic motivation, resilience, and a genuine love for learning consistently outperform those driven by external pressure and fear.

When we focus on nurturing these qualities instead of chasing grades, we’re not just supporting better academic outcomes—we’re fostering the psychological foundations for lifelong success and wellbeing.

Because in the end, the goal isn’t just to raise a topper.

It’s to raise a thinking, thriving, learning, resilient human being.

And THAT’S a grade worth celebrating.

Well, now you know it too!

End Note: Just because I wrote this doesn’t make my wife and me Parents of the Year! Ask our kids—they’ll tell you I made all the mistakes I’ve written about here… and maybe a few extra ones too! But if this piece helps you make one less—well, it was worth the time and effort to write this article.

What has been your experience? How have you dealt with such challenges? Do share your comments and let us build a resilient and strong generation.

About the Author: Sandeep Ohri is a Behavioural Strategy Consultant, USIIC Chapter President Bengaluru, visiting faculty at universities, and host of the Mindset Makeover Podcast. He’s certified by Ogilvy Consulting UK & Irrational Labs USA and helps organisations make better decisions through behavioural science.

References:

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Cialdini, R. B. (2007). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Harper Business.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.

Dweck, C. S. (2015). Carol Dweck revisits the ‘growth mindset’. Education Week, 35(5), 20-24.

Dweck, C. S., & Yeager, D. S. (2019). Mindsets: A view from two eras. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 14(3), 481-496.

Flyvbjerg, B., & Sunstein, C. R. (2021). Top ten behavioural biases in project management: An overview. Project Management Journal, 52(6), 531-549.

Mani, A., Mullainathan, S., Shafir, E., & Zhao, J. (2013). Poverty impedes cognitive function. Science, 341(6149), 976-980.

Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52.

Mullainathan, S., & Shafir, E. (2013). Scarcity: Why Having Too Little Means So Much. Times Books.

Oh, H., et al. (2019). What is the concept of parental ’emotional transference’ to children? A Walker and Avant concept analysis. Scandinavian Journal of Caring Sciences, 33(1), 43-52.

Yeager, D. S., et al. (2019). A national experiment reveals where a growth mindset improves achievement. Nature, 573, 364-369.

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